Be It Resolved (2017 edition)

Damn, another year down the tubes. 2016 has been full of dubious accomplishments and tragic losses. I think Dave Barry captured the year in his usual inimitable way so I won’t recap all of that. My own year was filled with both, but it is ending on an upbeat note, thankfully.

Despite all that happened, I managed to keep all my New Year’s Resolutions for 2016, except for perhaps #4. I now have a string of about 6 years of resolutions I’ve kept, so I guess I should go for another round. Thus, without further ado…

In 2017 I resolve to:

1. Stop dressing as a clown and visiting schools to try to cheer up the sad children of the world.
2. Not allow myself — via adoption, marriage, or assimilation — to become a Kardashian.
3. To give up bidding on Ebay for a tailored, one-piece purple bodysuit — unless I find one available in cat leather.
4. To continue to be an example of etiquette by saying “please” and “thank you” even after Donald Trump and his minions destroy society and we are living in caves and lean-tos.
5. No longer demand, while sitting in thesis defenses, that my students cut off their pinkie fingers as a sign of fealty. Usually.
6. Finally find out what that whole “Game of Thrones” gameshow is all about.
7. Try to adapt to the changes a President Trump will bring to the USA. First up: learning Russian.
8. Not strongly urge young children to watch the movie “Alien” to really understand what a Hatchimal is.
9. Stop saying “How could it be worse?” when talking about TV, politics, movies, hacking, or pretty much anything else. Too many people see it as a challenge rather than a rhetorical question.
10. Not vote to leave the European Union for 3 magic beans.
11. Not to insist that I am a “superdelegate” during faculty meetings and demand we adjourn.
12. I will not build a huge wall around my yard and make my neighbors pay for it — although if I go skinny-dipping much they may do it on their own.
13. Reduce my training regimen because it appears certain that competitive eating of lasagna and doughnuts will not become Olympic sports.
14. Not be sick with worry in anticipation of what the new President and First Lady have planned for Moose & Squirrel.
15. Not to make another deal with the Devil for a win in the World Series that results in deaths of dozens of beloved celebrities.

And finally, #16 — after several years of giving Jennifer, Adriana, Alessandra, Candice and the rest their chance, I resolve to be firm and dismissive if they finally call because I’ve been found by someone better. Eat your hearts out, ladies — you had your chance!

I hope your New Year’s is wonderful and you find a good cave before the rush. May 2017 be another year of wonder, but not “I wonder where I am and whose goat that is?”

Be It Resolved (2016 edition)

Once again, a new year is about to present itself. 2015 sort of flew by, and also similar to a pigeon, it dumped on me as it passed. But 2016 is nearly upon us, and that is an opportunity to make some resolutions for the new year.

I have managed to keep all of my 2015 resolutions (and my 2014 and 2013 resolutions, too0.

So, without further ado, here is my list for 2016. I will:

1. Continue to not give in to the Dark Side…of toast.
2. I will not undergo gender reassignment treatments, largely because that would require testing to determine “from” and “to” for my species, and no one is ready for that.
3. Cut waaaay back on describing myself as “on fleek” in my memos to the deans.
4. Try to not taunt people with severe moral and mental impairments, i.e.. Donald Trump supporters. Well, not constantly.
5. Consume more of the 4 basic food groups: Bacon, Scotch, Chocolate, and Coffee. But this year, discontinue attempts at an all-inclusive smoothie.
6. Strive to be less of a curmudgeon — maybe just dial it back to “crotchety.”
7. Attempt in get in shape this year. (NB. oblate spheroid is a shape, so I have a head start.)
8. Overcome peer pressure to take a controversial public stand: Damnit, I’m for the Oxford comma!
9. Experiment to see if my cat allergy has abated; meatloaf?
10. Do at least one thing outrageous enough to require an update to my pending obituary.
11. Not build and claim any islands in the South China Sea.
12. Try to make some of my hobbies self-supporting. Any idea where I’d market earwax candles?
13. Continue to avow that it is white and gold, not blue and black.
14. Not reattempt an “eggnog & gingerbread” cleanse.
15. Not donate $40 billion to charity instead of leaving it to my daughter (you’re welcome, Elizabeth).
16. Continue to exercise understanding that Jennifer, Adriana, Alessandra, Kate, Kim, Amber, Miranda, Candice and the rest are still really, really busy and simply have not yet been able to whisk me away. (That must be the reason, right?)

I hope your New Year’s is enjoyable and safe (avoid the meatloaf and smoothies), and 2016 is a year of wonder, but not frequently as in “I wonder who I am and where my pants are?”

P.S. Jennifer, Candice, et al. — I’m free this New Year’s Eve, too. I’ll wait for your call.