Damn, another year down the tubes. 2016 has been full of dubious accomplishments and tragic losses. I think Dave Barry captured the year in his usual inimitable way so I won’t recap all of that. My own year was filled with both, but it is ending on an upbeat note, thankfully.
Despite all that happened, I managed to keep all my New Year’s Resolutions for 2016, except for perhaps #4. I now have a string of about 6 years of resolutions I’ve kept, so I guess I should go for another round. Thus, without further ado…
In 2017 I resolve to:
- Stop dressing as a clown and visiting schools to try to cheer up the sad children of the world.
- Not allow myself — via adoption, marriage, or assimilation — to become a Kardashian.
- To give up bidding on Ebay for a tailored, one-piece purple bodysuit — unless I find one available in cat leather.
- To continue to be an example of etiquette by saying “please” and “thank you” even after Donald Trump and his minions destroy society and we are living in caves and lean-tos.
- No longer demand, while sitting in thesis defenses, that my students cut off their pinkie fingers as a sign of fealty. Usually.
- Finally find out what that whole “Game of Thrones” gameshow is all about.
- Try to adapt to the changes a President Trump will bring to the USA. First up: learning Russian.
- Not strongly urge young children to watch the movie “Alien” to really understand what a Hatchimal is.
- Stop saying “How could it be worse?” when talking about TV, politics, movies, hacking, or pretty much anything else. Too many people see it as a challenge rather than a rhetorical question.
- Not vote to leave the European Union for 3 magic beans.
- Not to insist that I am a “superdelegate” during faculty meetings and demand we adjourn.
- I will not build a huge wall around my yard and make my neighbors pay for it — although if I go skinny-dipping much they may do it on their own.
- Reduce my training regimen because it appears certain that competitive eating of lasagna and doughnuts will not become Olympic sports.
- Not be sick with worry in anticipation of what the new President and First Lady have planned for Moose & Squirrel.
- Not to make another deal with the Devil for a win in the World Series that results in deaths of dozens of beloved celebrities.
And finally, #16 — after several years of giving Jennifer, Adriana, Alessandra, Candice and the rest their chance, I resolve to be firm and dismissive if they finally call because I’ve been found by someone better. Eat your hearts out, ladies — you had your chance!
I hope your New Year’s is wonderful and you find a good cave before the rush. May 2017 be another year of wonder, but not “I wonder where I am and whose goat that is?”