It is almost that time of year again, to reflect on goals and resolutions — resolutions past, and new resolutions. It’s the start of a new year!
I have managed to keep all my 2014 resolutions (although I still have a few hours to break #4 — ladies, I’m keeping my phone at the ready; heck, I’ll keep it on all next year, too!). I also seem to still be keeping my 2013 resolutions and 2012 resolutions, although not everyone will agree that I’ve kept #17 from 2012.
For 2014, I’ll probably keep all the resolutions from the last couple of years, but add some new ones simply to challenge myself. I’d challenge someone else, but no one listens to me anymore, so this is the best I can do.
Without further ado, I hereby resolve in 2015 to:
- Not make any movies about assassinating crazed despots…unless I get the millions in advance.
- Cut back on 2nd breakfasts…when anyone is watching.
- Not to become a Belieber.
- To not get caught again performing unauthorized experiments on undergrads. (NB: I resolve to not get caught, not to stop the experiments.)
- Obtain no piercings or other body modifications, especially those that set off the TSA’s magnetometer at the airport. Again.
- Not to let slip the secret that Dick Cheney is secretly a Brony. (oops!)
- Not to exact my revenge on that certain someone…especially when approximate revenge will do.
- Not to exceed the speed of light…when anyone is watching.
- Drink a little less coffee each day, at least to the point where I don’t constantly hear those damn bees.
- Under no circumstances contract Ebola, or anything else that would cause me to bleed out of every orifice, such as watching anything with a Kardashian in it.
- Remember — Death before Dishonor…if we respect alphabetic order.
- Go to the gym at least 2 times a week. Sometime before next December, go inside, too, just to check it out.
- Be understanding that Jennifer, Adriana, Alessandra, Kate, Candice and the rest are really, really busy and simply have not yet been able to whisk me away. (That must be the reason, right?)
- At university events, pretend to be chalant and gruntled.
- Overcome my cravings for cat bacon.
- Groot. Often. Except when anyone is watching.
Best wishes to you all for 2015!