An Epiphany on Time, and Loss


15-20 years ago, I wrote a regular series of essays, mostly on my travels, but occasionally on other items. These were shared via a mailing list — this was waaay before blogs came on the scene. I have them buried on my WWW site, but not many people search them out. I may repost a few here over the next few months.

Most of those essays were intended to be humorous, and a few might actually have been so. One in particular was not. I haven’t slept well the last few nights, and for some reason, I remembered this particular post last night as I lay awake around 3:30. Perhaps it was because my sister’s birthday was this weekend. I don’t get to see her very often, which is unfortunate, because she’s a wonderful person. I didn’t appreciate her that much when we were growing up, but time gives new perspectives. That is what this essay was about, written in early 2000, about something that happened in 1978.

The Story

I used a word last night in some email I don’t use very often: epiphany. One dictionary definition of the word is “A comprehension or perception of reality by means of a sudden intuitive realization.” Yeah, that is a good definition. There are times in our lives where some encounter or experience gives us a realization of something that forever alters our view of reality. Sometimes they are sad moments, as when you realize that your parents may be fallible, or you really comprehend that death occurs to everyone — even those you love. Sometimes it is exciting and opens new vistas: the first time I really recognized that girls were different in a nice kind of way, for instance, or the first time I rode my bike without training wheels (I’m not sure which occurred first :-). The moments don’t have to include huge events or grand revelations, so long as they reveal something of reality.

I had the strangest flashback today. I have absolutely no idea what triggered it, but it was of an epiphany of mine back in about 1978. And it has enduring influence today, more than 20 years later.

I had this friend named Mark. I haven’t heard from him in almost a decade — he stopped responding to my email and letters at some point. Not that I blame him for that, because we haven’t seen each other in maybe 15 years, and there is little in common there now but memories of a time when we were much younger and saw each other regularly. Life manages to be full as it is, and the days pass.

Mark was in my classes from at least 4th grade on. We found we had the same birthday, so that gave us an immediate bond of sorts. And we also discovered that we had offbeat senses of humor, and were a little quicker on the uptake than most of the other kids in our classes. So we hit it off. I have a picture of Mark and me in the playground in 4th grade with our arms around each other. Buddies.

So, as the years went by, Mark and I found ourselves in many of the same classes. We were in Cub Scouts together, then Boy Scouts. We shared some of the same clubs and interests. And in our senior year in high school, we ended up as two of the five officers of the student council. We weren’t the best of friends (I was too much of the nerd for anybody reasonable to want that), but we were friends, and often hung out together. After graduation, Mark and I sometimes went out to bars together, or ran into each other at parties. (To make things especially interesting, Mark’s brother-in-law became my academic advisor years later when I was an undergrad at SUNY Brockport, and I still keep in touch with him!) Mark and I kept up our casual ties even after I left for grad school — we’d visit when I returned home, and together we planned our high school class’s 10th year reunion. After that, the time and distance gradually eroded the ties that had bound us together.

Anyhow, Mark came from a family with several brothers and sisters. They were all smart, funny people (as were their parents). Almost all the kids in the family had red hair, which was especially amusing and opened them all up for teasing. I didn’t often visit their house, but a few times when I did, I recall that we often were shadowed by his younger sister, Beth (something little brothers and sisters often do). Beth was several years younger than Mark, and had freckles. I remember her as a little kid who was skinny and a bit of a tomboy. I vaguely recall that we would tease her about her freckles, or being skinny, or sometimes simply tease her about her blonde hair (the other kids in her family had red hair, as I noted above). Our teasing wasn’t really mean — we liked her, but it was our job to tease her (I was a big brother, too, so I understood the role). It was clear she was disappointed and maybe a little hurt, but I don’t think it really made a big impression on us; every elder sibling probably knows the scenario.

As time went on, and as Mark and I were finishing high school, we all had different social groups and I am certain several years went by before I saw Beth next. In fact, I think it was several years later after Mark and I had graduated from high school. We were both attending college in the area, and I recall stopping by to see him one weekend.

The small moments when life changes occur often seem innocuous at the time, but are preternaturally clear in memory. I recall being somewhat preoccupied as I walked to the door and rang the bell. The person who answered the door took me completely by surprise. She was tall, with beautiful blonde hair. An awesome smile. Such cute freckles and a lovely complexion. And at about 19 years of age, she was lithe and extremely lovely to behold — and in her halter top and shorts, I definitely beheld. I am sure I was awestruck, and a little embarrassed as I realized — this was Beth, the “little” girl we used to tease and ignore. Now, she was absolutely stunning. I now knew what I wanted Santa to bring me for Christmas. 🙂

I croaked something inane like “Hello. I haven’t seen you in a long while.” She said something nice in return, laughed gently at some lame joke of mine, and called Mark. I’m sure she could tell how flustered I was (I didn’t hide it well), and I hope she found it amusing — and a little payback for some of the teasing she had endured in previous years. I don’t remember now why I was visiting Mark, but I do recall saying something like “Beth has really grown up.” His response: “I guess so. I haven’t noticed.”

The encounter gave me several things to think about in a new way, and I actually remember spending time mulling them over. I was initially incredulous that he didn’t notice the transformation. Then I looked around me and I was transformed, too.

The event was an epiphany on several levels. First, although I had frequently seen caterpillars turn into butterflies, it had never really sunk in — viscerally — that it could apply elsewhere. (Of course, sometimes the change is not in the caterpillar but in the observer!) I have had it reinforced time and again that judgements based on surface impressions sometimes miss the changes that time can make. I have tried ever since to not fall victim to those first impressions. How much different our lives would have been as children had we all known that at an early age! And how different the world could be if we all understood that now as adults…..

The second was the awareness that sometimes you get so close to a person or situation for so long, you don’t notice the slow changes that occur because they are so subtle. In the same time that Beth had blossomed, my own sister had gone from a little kid to a lovely, mature woman and I had barely noticed the change. My parents had grown older and developed grey hair and I didn’t really see the differences. I remember spending several days thereafter looking at the familiar things around me, and trying to see them with “new eyes.” It is something I try to do periodically to this day. We should never get so comfortable with the world around us that we cease to really notice the changes that are occurring.

I’ve had some of the same sense of revelation since then. I especially used to notice it when I would return to the house where I grew up, when my parents still lived there (my father sold the house and moved in 1997 after my mother died). I would notice the trees. They had the same placement as in my memory, but I remembered them as trees from 20 years before when I would see them each day and not really notice them. Now, they are taller and fuller. In my later visits, there was a visual dissonance that made me understand that I was not quite “home” as I recalled it.

In particular, I remember while growing up that every day I would sit at the kitchen table and eat meals while looking out the window. Several houses away were some tall trees with a notable fan shape to the branches at the top. I would watch them sway in spring winds, birds nest in them in the summer, leaves turn golden and drop in autumn, and snow encase them in winter. They were as familiar to me as the faces of my family.

In 1997, when I helped my father pack to move, I remember sitting in the kitchen and looking at those trees. They had grown so much taller (as had I) that I could no longer see the tops from where I sat. And when I went to the window to look out, I noticed some branches missing from what I remembered, where maybe age and ice had taken a toll (on the branches — not on my memory). I sometimes still see those trees in my dreams, as I sit at the table with my parents and sister, a young boy of 8 or so unaware of what time could — and would — do to us all.

The lesson of time is one that we seem loathe to learn, but is fundamental to understanding our lives. I see my daughter at 7 and wish I could hold her again at 5, and 3 and the day she was born. It is the magic of time that is slowing turning her from fuzzy duckling into swan, and all too soon she will be writing of her realization that her dotty old dad is getting on in years. How I wish I could stop the clock for even a few days!

Postscript, 2000

I don’t recall that I ever saw Beth again. Sadly, she died several years ago from aggressive breast cancer — a tragic loss. But I recall that small, revelatory role she played in my life, and although I haven’t remembered that moment in over a decade, it certainly had a major effect on me. I wish she were around now so I could tell her….I think she would find it amusing. (And if the mood strikes you, you can make a donation to fight breast cancer at the American Cancer Society site.)

By setting down this story, maybe it can play a role in your life. Embrace the moment, and embrace those around you. Time moves with stealth, and the present becomes the past, often without our notice. Our memories are the only way for us to travel in time, so ensure yours are full of happy times with those you care about.

Postscript, 2014

My dream last night was of those trees outside the kitchen window. In that dream, I returned to visit, and the trees were gone. I wonder what that meant?

In the time since 2000, I have lost my father and my uncle, and I am one of the last of my generation in the family. I wish I could return to a time to see them again, and listen to some of their stories, especially the ones I can’t quite remember now.

I wrote about how I wish I could hold my daughter at 7, and at 5; now she is nearly 21, and has transformed beautifully as did her aunt. I still wish I could embrace that 5 year-old at times, though.

And as I look in the mirror, I seem the same as I have every day, but to look in a picture from 2000, or 1987, or when I graduated from high school in 1974, and time has definitely taken its toll.

Embrace those around you. Time is fleeting, but memories are a great treasure.



For your amusement

Last year, Kathy (my wife) suggested we get a tree for our front yard. Not a street tree, but one closer to the house. The idea would be to provide some additional shade for the house in the summer. I thought that sounded like a good idea. After all, I really like trees. And it would reduce our electric bill and give me less lawn to cut. A great idea all around.

We didn’t get one last year because of various reasons, mostly because we didn’t get around to it in time.

We’re told that the best time to transplant a large tree is fall, so we waited until this fall and went shopping when our local tree farm had a sale. We wanted a tulip poplar (Indiana State tree) but they didn’t have one we liked. We saw some oaks that were quite nice, but went on to look at other trees and could then never find them again. So, we settled on a sunset maple (looks like this — this is from Wikipedia and is not our tree):

It’s a good size (15ft perhaps) will leaf out nicely, and grow reasonably so it will look good before we get too old. Plus, because it was the annual sale, we got something like half off the cost of the tree and the planting! What a deal — only about $400.

The tree company has a huge tree spade that looks like this for planting trees (more like the one on the left):

The diamond-shaped portion at the back opens up in sections, as a huge set of claws. To transplant the tree, they first take the truck to the destination, open those claws, drive them into the ground, close the claws, and haul off the scooped-out dirt, leaving a large hole in the ground about 8 ft deep and 15 ft across. Then they go to the tree, open the claws and position them around the tree, drive them in, close them, and pull up the tree with a huge rootball. They truck this to the destination and drop it in the same-size hole. Voila! A perfect match.

Well, we purchased the tree around Halloween. The tree folks wanted to have a good freeze or two before putting the tree in. Also, they needed to get the yard marked. You can imagine driving that spade into a gas line or high voltage electric wire!! Thus, marking is important.

Our yard got all marked up with colored lines and little flags, and the spot we picked was marked as clear. But no tree showed up. Several weeks went by.

Today, I was getting ready to drive to Wilmington DE (where I am now). I’m involved as an expert consultant and witness in a patent lawsuit with extremely large potential damages (I’m on the defendants’ side). I’m going to be here for an extended time for the trial. (That’s why I drove — I’m here for some time, and wanted to be able to drive around, and maybe take some side trips if I get any free evenings or weekends). It’s a 12 hour drive, so I wanted to leave early so I could get some sleep.

Oddly, nothing had gone wrong. The reason that is odd is because whenever I go on a long trip, something usually happens. They’re odd things, like birds getting in the house, or our (former) cats catching and chewing up mice to leave around the house, or the water heater springing a leak — things like that. And, those things usually happen as I head out the door…or shortly thereafter…so Kathy gets to deal with them all on her own, with me lending what support I can via phone and email.

So, it was about 8:30am, and I’m about to jump in the shower, then my car for my long drive, when the doorbell rings. It’s the tree guy! Well, that shouldn’t be a problem — the yard is marked, and he won’t block the driveway. So, I tell him to go about his business as I head to the shower. Except, there’s no water. And the doorbell is ringing.


Outside, our front lawn had a big, deep hole in it, as expected (to the right and above where the yellow flag is in this picture):


Unfortunately, traversing the bottom of the hole was a badly bent copper pipe. And there was water gushing into the street from several yards over, by the water meter pit, at the side. (You can see some of it above)

Apparently, the crew that marked the lawn only marked where the water main was located, not the feed pipe into the house. It was smack dab in the middle of where we wanted the tree, and of course, the digger had pulled it up and broken it.

Thus ensued calls to the water company, and our plumbers, and yadda yadda. Meanwhile, in the midst of this, I’m also trying to get dressed and finished packing. I had to get on the road, because of schedule, so Kathy got to deal with the rest.

Oh, and the spade also severed one of the sprinkler lines, too, so she had to call our yard guys.

The yard looked like this during the afternoon:

According to Kathy, water is back on in the house. About 10 ft of pipe back to the water meter had to be dug up and replaced. They got all that done by nightfall, but didn’t finish closing everything up. They’ll be back in the morning. So, for now, it is surrounded by yellow tape to keep people from falling in. I guess it looks like a scene from CSI where they’re trying to find the body.

The sprinkler system may not get fixed until spring because it was already shut off for the season and a little cold to work on it now. And the hole is too waterlogged to plant the tree right away, so that may be next week.

The company that marked the lawn? Well, according to everyone we asked, they aren’t liable. They are only responsible for marking the parts of the lines that belong to the utility companies and town — not the parts we own. Thus, the water line from the meter (near the sidewalk) all the way to the house is our responsibility. (Fortunately, the gas meter is against the house, so they marked that for the whole length and it was out of the way of any damage.)

So…, by the time the water pipe repair is finished, the sprinkler system is fixed, and the yard repaired by our lawn service, our “bargain” tree will have cost us over… $6000.

Good thing I’m doing this consulting, although I hadn’t planned on spending it on this.

Oh, and I made it to Delaware in 12 hours and 20 minutes. I averaged 65mph, and 29mpg. That’s pretty good for a big car with a V8 and twin turbo, and a maniac behind the wheel.

But I didn’t get to my hotel room until about 11:30pm because of the late start, and I am exhausted. And tomorrow I have to be ready for a pre-trial conference. Goody. At least I have running water here at the hotel.

Sometimes, we have too much fun in West Lafalot.

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