Keeping My 2012 New Years Resolutions

Only 48 hours more to go and I will have kept ALL of my 2012 New Years resolutions. This may only be the 2nd or 3rd year I can claim that.

How do I manage to keep all my resolutions? By setting reasonable goals that I believe I can keep, and by encouraging my friends and family to help me along the way.

Here were this year’s resolutions:

  1. Keep up my 50+ year streak of not contracting typhoid
  2. Do not take up playing the tuba for a hobby
  3. Don’t become senile
  4. Eat moderately and drink with restraint on every weekday whose name does not end in “y”
  5. Remember to wear pants to work at least 85% of the time
  6. Don’t ride a unicycle around Botswana and solicit people to donate to a charity for the pet rescued baby seals of crippled neoplastic orphans in foreclosure in “support” of my journey
  7. If the Mayan Apocalypse occurs, bring marshmallows and sticks on which to toast them
  8. In the men’s room, this year remember to unzip first
  9. Despite his wonderful record, do not cast a write-in vote for Calvin Coolidge on election day. Again.
  10. Don’t become senile
  11. Remember the Maine
  12. Avoid being irresistible to women. And vicuñas. And salamanders.
  13. Close cover before striking.
  14. Always put “i” before “e” except when sounding like “a” as in neighbor and weigh. And weird. And neither. And ageism. And counterfeit. And foreign. And atheist. And caffeine. And deceit…. OK, forget that one.
  15. Do not allow myself to be abducted by aliens in UFOs more than 4 times this year. Unless Adriana Lima and Alessandra Ambrosio are actually aliens, in which case don’t stop at 4 times.
  16. Do not volunteer to be a sacrifice for Cthulhu or any of the Elder Gods
  17. Don’t become senile.

Odd, I thought I only had 15 resolutions….

I have only a couple of days left for resolutions for 2013. I welcome your suggestions, but keep in mind I have two principles to apply to resolutions:

  • When consumed with a terrible struggle to resist some temptation — give in: voila, no more struggle!
  • “When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I’ve never tried before.” (Mae West)

Best wishes for a great 2013!


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