New Years Resolutions

It is traditional to make resolutions for the new year. Often, people use this as a way to motivate themselves to improve…at least for a week or two. After that, well, a year is a long time!

Looking back, I did a great job with my resolutions the last couple of years. I kept all of my 2012 resolutions! That worked so well that I carried them over to 2013 as well (after the Mayan apocalypse didn’t happen; yet). I think I kept all of them, although I’m not sure about #3, #5 and #17.

I guess I should come up with some new ones? I know I should better myself, and pick some things that will be difficult to do (for me). So, here goes — my list of resolutions for 2014:

  1. Do a better job of hiding my terrible life choices as “academic exploration.”
  2. Do not get any tattoos bigger than a foot in diameter. On myself.  Again.
  3. Remember names of at least 20% of my family and colleagues..
  4. Resist being drawn into a long, steamy affair with Jennifer Lawrence and/or Adriana Lima… unless they ask. Or pretty much any other attractive woman, but especially Adriana and Jennifer. Or maybe any comely mammal or large bird that isn’t currently molting. But do draw the line at yard gnomes.
  5. Decline any offer to be a guest on Duck Dynasty, no matter how much they plead.
  6. Do not challenge any of the deans to a twerking contest.
  7. Do not attempt to set the Guinness World Record for the most number of anything crammed into any body opening…unless it is someone else’s body, who I don’t like so much.
  8. Don’t eat any doughnuts at all … unless I am awake.
  9. Do not give Miley Cyrus any more ideas for her music videos.
  10. Stop being so picky and accept lucre even if it is filthy.
  11. Stop muttering, sotto voce, “I must find a new host body” on crowded elevators, planes, and busses while rubbing the center of my forehead
  12. Sell my tack and give up my wistful dream of training gerbils to the saddle for the rodeo. Also, see if I can sell all those distressed gerbil pelts on eBay.
  13. Drink less than 10 cups of coffee a day, at least once a month.
  14. Do not spill you-know-who’s awful, dark secret…unless the price is really right and she continues to piss me off.
  15. Do not raise my hand at faculty meetings to ask whoever is speaking for permission to leave to go tinkle.
  16. Perform random acts of oxidation.
  17. No matter how bad things get during the election season, keep reminding myself that Dexter was a fictional drama and not a DIY show.
  18. Treat my body like the temple it is — the temple of doom.

Phew! That’s one more than the 2012/2013 list. It is going to take all my willpower to keep these.

I hope you have picked out some good resolutions like these. Good luck with those, and have a safe and happy New Year’s!

PS. Adriana, Jennifer — I’m free New Year’s Eve. Call me.


4 Responses to “New Years Resolutions”

  1. Joyce Hall Says:

    Enjoyed your list. Now I need to make mine!


  2. Krista Grothoff Says:

    No one cares about my dark, awful secret anymore, so go ahead. 🙂


  3. Roger Zanes Says:

    Spaf: Ever-entertaining, as always; I especially liked #11 and can visualize you actually doing this in a crowded Empire State Building elevator. However, I am concerned with one glaring omission. Last year you resolved, three times, to not become senile. This year you neglected that resolution. How should we interpret this? Cheers, Roger


    • spaf Says:

      I was going to include it in this year’s resolutions, but I forgot because…I can’t remember. Why was I writing this? Who are you? Wait, who am I?


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