Once again, a new year is about to present itself. 2015 sort of flew by, and also similar to a pigeon, it dumped on me as it passed. But 2016 is nearly upon us, and that is an opportunity to make some resolutions for the new year.
So, without further ado, here is my list for 2016. I will:
- Continue to not give in to the Dark Side…of toast.
- I will not undergo gender reassignment treatments, largely because that would require testing to determine “from” and “to” for my species, and no one is ready for that.
- Cut waaaay back on describing myself as “on fleek” in my memos to the deans.
- Try to not taunt people with severe moral and mental impairments, i.e.. Donald Trump supporters. Well, not constantly.
- Consume more of the 4 basic food groups: Bacon, Scotch, Chocolate, and Coffee. But this year, discontinue attempts at an all-inclusive smoothie.
- Strive to be less of a curmudgeon — maybe just dial it back to “crotchety.”
- Attempt in get in shape this year. (NB. oblate spheroid is a shape, so I have a head start.)
- Overcome peer pressure to take a controversial public stand: Damnit, I’m for the Oxford comma!
- Experiment to see if my cat allergy has abated; meatloaf?
- Do at least one thing outrageous enough to require an update to my pending obituary.
- Not build and claim any islands in the South China Sea.
- Try to make some of my hobbies self-supporting. Any idea where I’d market earwax candles?
- Continue to avow that it is white and gold, not blue and black.
- Not reattempt an “eggnog & gingerbread” cleanse.
- Not donate $40 billion to charity instead of leaving it to my daughter (you’re welcome, Elizabeth).
- Continue to exercise understanding that Jennifer, Adriana, Alessandra, Kate, Kim, Amber, Miranda, Candice and the rest are still really, really busy and simply have not yet been able to whisk me away. (That must be the reason, right?)
I hope your New Year’s is enjoyable and safe (avoid the meatloaf and smoothies), and 2016 is a year of wonder, but not frequently as in “I wonder who I am and where my pants are?”
P.S. Jennifer, Candice, et al. — I’m free this New Year’s Eve, too. I’ll wait for your call.