Be It Resolved (2017 edition)

Damn, another year down the tubes. 2016 has been full of dubious accomplishments and tragic losses. I think Dave Barry captured the year in his usual inimitable way so I won’t recap all of that. My own year was filled with both, but it is ending on an upbeat note, thankfully.

Despite all that happened, I managed to keep all my New Year’s Resolutions for 2016, except for perhaps #4. I now have a string of about 6 years of resolutions I’ve kept, so I guess I should go for another round. Thus, without further ado…

In 2017 I resolve to:

  1. Stop dressing as a clown and visiting schools to try to cheer up the sad children of the world.
  2. Not allow myself — via adoption, marriage, or assimilation — to become a Kardashian.
  3. To give up bidding on Ebay for a tailored, one-piece purple bodysuit — unless I find one available in cat leather.
  4. To continue to be an example of etiquette by saying “please” and “thank you” even after Donald Trump and his minions destroy society and we are living in caves and lean-tos.
  5. No longer demand, while sitting in thesis defenses, that my students cut off their pinkie fingers as a sign of fealty. Usually.
  6. Finally find out what that whole “Game of Thrones” gameshow is all about.
  7. Try to adapt to the changes a President Trump will bring to the USA. First up: learning Russian.
  8. Not strongly urge young children to watch the movie “Alien” to really understand what a Hatchimal is.
  9. Stop saying “How could it be worse?” when talking about TV, politics, movies, hacking, or pretty much anything else. Too many people see it as a challenge rather than a rhetorical question.
  10. Not vote to leave the European Union for 3 magic beans.
  11. Not to insist that I am a “superdelegate” during faculty meetings and demand we adjourn.
  12. I will not build a huge wall around my yard and make my neighbors pay for it — although if I go skinny-dipping much they may do it on their own.
  13. Reduce my training regimen because it appears certain that competitive eating of lasagna and doughnuts will not become Olympic sports.
  14. Not be sick with worry in anticipation of what the new President and First Lady have planned for Moose & Squirrel.
  15. Not to make another deal with the Devil for a win in the World Series that results in deaths of dozens of beloved celebrities.

And finally, #16 — after several years of giving Jennifer, Adriana, Alessandra, Candice and the rest their chance, I resolve to be firm and dismissive if they finally call because I’ve been found by someone better. Eat your hearts out, ladies — you had your chance!

I hope your New Year’s is wonderful and you find a good cave before the rush. May 2017 be another year of wonder, but not “I wonder where I am and whose goat that is?”

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One Response to “Be It Resolved (2017 edition)”

  1. Leah Says:

    Cave/lean-to thoughts … Already planning our retreat. Remember the underground house planning from the late 70’s to 80’s. I drew up many ideas then … now to find our remote niche. Thinking rural Lincoln, NE or Kansas City, MO areas. These are destinations few chose for migration locations while reaching them on land is a bitch. Pence will give national light to the backward nature of Indiana also it is too close to the east coast and Chicago for cave dwelling security. Maybe the very south western bit of Indiana would be better.

    Like


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