Be It Resolved (2017 edition)

Damn, another year down the tubes. 2016 has been full of dubious accomplishments and tragic losses. I think Dave Barry captured the year in his usual inimitable way so I won’t recap all of that. My own year was filled with both, but it is ending on an upbeat note, thankfully.

Despite all that happened, I managed to keep all my New Year’s Resolutions for 2016, except for perhaps #4. I now have a string of about 6 years of resolutions I’ve kept, so I guess I should go for another round. Thus, without further ado…

In 2017 I resolve to:

  1. Stop dressing as a clown and visiting schools to try to cheer up the sad children of the world.
  2. Not allow myself — via adoption, marriage, or assimilation — to become a Kardashian.
  3. To give up bidding on Ebay for a tailored, one-piece purple bodysuit — unless I find one available in cat leather.
  4. To continue to be an example of etiquette by saying “please” and “thank you” even after Donald Trump and his minions destroy society and we are living in caves and lean-tos.
  5. No longer demand, while sitting in thesis defenses, that my students cut off their pinkie fingers as a sign of fealty. Usually.
  6. Finally find out what that whole “Game of Thrones” gameshow is all about.
  7. Try to adapt to the changes a President Trump will bring to the USA. First up: learning Russian.
  8. Not strongly urge young children to watch the movie “Alien” to really understand what a Hatchimal is.
  9. Stop saying “How could it be worse?” when talking about TV, politics, movies, hacking, or pretty much anything else. Too many people see it as a challenge rather than a rhetorical question.
  10. Not vote to leave the European Union for 3 magic beans.
  11. Not to insist that I am a “superdelegate” during faculty meetings and demand we adjourn.
  12. I will not build a huge wall around my yard and make my neighbors pay for it — although if I go skinny-dipping much they may do it on their own.
  13. Reduce my training regimen because it appears certain that competitive eating of lasagna and doughnuts will not become Olympic sports.
  14. Not be sick with worry in anticipation of what the new President and First Lady have planned for Moose & Squirrel.
  15. Not to make another deal with the Devil for a win in the World Series that results in deaths of dozens of beloved celebrities.

And finally, #16 — after several years of giving Jennifer, Adriana, Alessandra, Candice and the rest their chance, I resolve to be firm and dismissive if they finally call because I’ve been found by someone better. Eat your hearts out, ladies — you had your chance!

I hope your New Year’s is wonderful and you find a good cave before the rush. May 2017 be another year of wonder, but not “I wonder where I am and whose goat that is?”

Be It Resolved (2016 edition)

Once again, a new year is about to present itself. 2015 sort of flew by, and also similar to a pigeon, it dumped on me as it passed. But 2016 is nearly upon us, and that is an opportunity to make some resolutions for the new year.

I have managed to keep all of my 2015 resolutions (and my 2014 and 2013 resolutions, too0.

So, without further ado, here is my list for 2016. I will:

  1. Continue to not give in to the Dark Side…of toast.
  2. I will not undergo gender reassignment treatments, largely because that would require testing to determine “from” and “to” for my species, and no one is ready for that.
  3. Cut waaaay back on describing myself as “on fleek” in my memos to the deans.
  4. Try to not taunt people with severe moral and mental impairments, i.e.. Donald Trump supporters. Well, not constantly.
  5. Consume more of the 4 basic food groups: Bacon, Scotch, Chocolate, and Coffee. But this year, discontinue attempts at an all-inclusive smoothie.
  6. Strive to be less of a curmudgeon — maybe just dial it back to “crotchety.”
  7. Attempt in get in shape this year. (NB. oblate spheroid is a shape, so I have a head start.)
  8. Overcome peer pressure to take a controversial public stand: Damnit, I’m for the Oxford comma!
  9. Experiment to see if my cat allergy has abated; meatloaf?
  10. Do at least one thing outrageous enough to require an update to my pending obituary.
  11. Not build and claim any islands in the South China Sea.
  12. Try to make some of my hobbies self-supporting. Any idea where I’d market earwax candles?
  13. Continue to avow that it is white and gold, not blue and black.
  14. Not reattempt an “eggnog & gingerbread” cleanse.
  15. Not donate $40 billion to charity instead of leaving it to my daughter (you’re welcome, Elizabeth).
  16. Continue to exercise understanding that Jennifer, Adriana, Alessandra, Kate, Kim, Amber, Miranda, Candice and the rest are still really, really busy and simply have not yet been able to whisk me away. (That must be the reason, right?)

I hope your New Year’s is enjoyable and safe (avoid the meatloaf and smoothies), and 2016 is a year of wonder, but not frequently as in “I wonder who I am and where my pants are?”

P.S. Jennifer, Candice, et al. — I’m free this New Year’s Eve, too. I’ll wait for your call.

New Years Resolutions

It is traditional to make resolutions for the new year. Often, people use this as a way to motivate themselves to improve…at least for a week or two. After that, well, a year is a long time!

Looking back, I did a great job with my resolutions the last couple of years. I kept all of my 2012 resolutions! That worked so well that I carried them over to 2013 as well (after the Mayan apocalypse didn’t happen; yet). I think I kept all of them, although I’m not sure about #3, #5 and #17.

I guess I should come up with some new ones? I know I should better myself, and pick some things that will be difficult to do (for me). So, here goes — my list of resolutions for 2014:

  1. Do a better job of hiding my terrible life choices as “academic exploration.”
  2. Do not get any tattoos bigger than a foot in diameter. On myself.  Again.
  3. Remember names of at least 20% of my family and colleagues..
  4. Resist being drawn into a long, steamy affair with Jennifer Lawrence and/or Adriana Lima… unless they ask. Or pretty much any other attractive woman, but especially Adriana and Jennifer. Or maybe any comely mammal or large bird that isn’t currently molting. But do draw the line at yard gnomes.
  5. Decline any offer to be a guest on Duck Dynasty, no matter how much they plead.
  6. Do not challenge any of the deans to a twerking contest.
  7. Do not attempt to set the Guinness World Record for the most number of anything crammed into any body opening…unless it is someone else’s body, who I don’t like so much.
  8. Don’t eat any doughnuts at all … unless I am awake.
  9. Do not give Miley Cyrus any more ideas for her music videos.
  10. Stop being so picky and accept lucre even if it is filthy.
  11. Stop muttering, sotto voce, “I must find a new host body” on crowded elevators, planes, and busses while rubbing the center of my forehead
  12. Sell my tack and give up my wistful dream of training gerbils to the saddle for the rodeo. Also, see if I can sell all those distressed gerbil pelts on eBay.
  13. Drink less than 10 cups of coffee a day, at least once a month.
  14. Do not spill you-know-who’s awful, dark secret…unless the price is really right and she continues to piss me off.
  15. Do not raise my hand at faculty meetings to ask whoever is speaking for permission to leave to go tinkle.
  16. Perform random acts of oxidation.
  17. No matter how bad things get during the election season, keep reminding myself that Dexter was a fictional drama and not a DIY show.
  18. Treat my body like the temple it is — the temple of doom.

Phew! That’s one more than the 2012/2013 list. It is going to take all my willpower to keep these.

I hope you have picked out some good resolutions like these. Good luck with those, and have a safe and happy New Year’s!

PS. Adriana, Jennifer — I’m free New Year’s Eve. Call me.

Keeping My 2012 New Years Resolutions

Only 48 hours more to go and I will have kept ALL of my 2012 New Years resolutions. This may only be the 2nd or 3rd year I can claim that.

How do I manage to keep all my resolutions? By setting reasonable goals that I believe I can keep, and by encouraging my friends and family to help me along the way.

Here were this year’s resolutions:

  1. Keep up my 50+ year streak of not contracting typhoid
  2. Do not take up playing the tuba for a hobby
  3. Don’t become senile
  4. Eat moderately and drink with restraint on every weekday whose name does not end in “y”
  5. Remember to wear pants to work at least 85% of the time
  6. Don’t ride a unicycle around Botswana and solicit people to donate to a charity for the pet rescued baby seals of crippled neoplastic orphans in foreclosure in “support” of my journey
  7. If the Mayan Apocalypse occurs, bring marshmallows and sticks on which to toast them
  8. In the men’s room, this year remember to unzip first
  9. Despite his wonderful record, do not cast a write-in vote for Calvin Coolidge on election day. Again.
  10. Don’t become senile
  11. Remember the Maine
  12. Avoid being irresistible to women. And vicuñas. And salamanders.
  13. Close cover before striking.
  14. Always put “i” before “e” except when sounding like “a” as in neighbor and weigh. And weird. And neither. And ageism. And counterfeit. And foreign. And atheist. And caffeine. And deceit…. OK, forget that one.
  15. Do not allow myself to be abducted by aliens in UFOs more than 4 times this year. Unless Adriana Lima and Alessandra Ambrosio are actually aliens, in which case don’t stop at 4 times.
  16. Do not volunteer to be a sacrifice for Cthulhu or any of the Elder Gods
  17. Don’t become senile.

Odd, I thought I only had 15 resolutions….

I have only a couple of days left for resolutions for 2013. I welcome your suggestions, but keep in mind I have two principles to apply to resolutions:

  • When consumed with a terrible struggle to resist some temptation — give in: voila, no more struggle!
  • “When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I’ve never tried before.” (Mae West)

Best wishes for a great 2013!

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