I Need to be Strategic in What I Wish For

Ok, this is actually in two related parts. Both are related to my social media posts. I often post things on Facebook and Mastadon that might be considered snarky, silly, or bizarre. But then, so am I.

Part I — The Mug

A couple of months ago, I made a post to the effect of “What a disappointment. By this point in my life I thought I would be drinking wine from the skulls of my enemies.”

That post got a number of likes and reposts. Apparently, many other people resonate with that thought?

Then, my birthday rolled around. A friend of my wife had a birthday gift for me. I opened it with some curiosity and found this:

Someone not only resonated with the post, but decided I needed such a cup! (Thank you, Julie!)

I was definitely amused, but did not give it much thought beyond bemused gratitude.

Part II — The Sword and Hat

First, a little backstory.

For the 20th Anniversary of CERIAS in 2018, the academic center I started, my lovely wife conspired with the staff to have bobble head dolls made in my likeness, and a challenge coin with my profile. I was surprised with these at the event. I was a little flustered, but also a little flattered. In the time since, the bobble heads have been auctioned off to raise money for the center, which is good, although I have no idea why anyone would want my likeness staring at them from their bookshelf. I have a stash of the coins I give to surprised and oddly grateful individuals.

Okay, so 2023 is the 25th Anniversary. We’re making all sorts of preparations and I am relieved to know that there are no large boxes containing more bobble heads or voodoo dolls or the like. We also got new challenge coins that don’t have my likeness on them. Whew!

Tuesday night is our reception and official party. Our students are set up around the Union ballroom with posters of their research. We have cakes and munchies, and a hosted bar. There’s large crowd.

I’m asked to go up near the podium because our state representative is going to present an official resolution from the State Assembly noting the anniversary. I was told I would need to say a few words (which was going to be a challenge, because I had a cold and lost my voice).

So, I’m hovering nearby, trying to will my voice back to something that didn’t sound like me going through puberty again. Shawn, one of staff who manages our external relations, goes to the mic and asks everyone to be quiet. When they all focus on her, she says “And now, I’d like Dr. Spafford to say a few words.” I started to approach the podium and she looks and me and says “No, the OTHER Dr. Spafford.” That’s my lovely and accomplished and scheming wife. Uh-oh.

Pattie goes up to the podium and takes command of the room, as only an experienced grade school teacher can. She then said some nice things about me starting the center 25 years before. I don’t quite remember what she said because my mind was racing: What was about to happen?

Then she referred to a social media post I had made last year. In it, I commented on a friend getting an honorary doctorate from a Finnish university. As part of their formal granting of Ph.D. degrees, they bestow the honoree with a top hat and a sword. I opined how I was envious — no place had invited me to get an honorary degree and a sword, or at least a sword. (I do have one honorary D.Sc. from SUNY Brockport; if any other university is interested, I’m available. 😁).

Yes, my wife had gotten me my own sword, engraved with my name and the 25th anniversary. She had affixed one of the new challenge coins to the scabbard in an artful way (as a talented artist would naturally think to do). She summoned me over and presented it to me. She had even added a belt to the scabbard so I could wear it right away. Then she said, “But wait! Let me get my bag!” and reached into a huge paper bag and pulled out a top hat.

  

 

(Click on any image to enlarge)

The top hat is a little loose so I didn’t wear it for long then (we’re getting some pads to make it fit), but I donned the sword. I then managed to make a few semi-coherent but squeaky comments that the crowd seemed to like (after the laughter died down). I wore the sword for the rest of the evening and was commenting how it would probably make faculty meetings shorter if I brought it in. (I have no idea what the university police policy is about being armed with a sword, so I don’t think I’ll actually do that.). The sword, btw, is not combat sharpened but is not far off. A little effort with some good whetstones and I’m ready for a zombie invasion.

Part III — Wishing

My takeaway from this is that I need to be more strategic with the wishes I post on social media. I clearly have an (almost) perfect wife (she’ll read this so I write “almost” to see what she comes up with next). I’ve got a great family. I usually love my job, and clearly the staff around me have great senses of humor.

OK, so perhaps for my next wish, it is to win a big lottery prize. That, or to be invited to a fancy event that requires a top hat and a sword, but doesn’t include zombies. I don’t want to scratch up the sword, after all — it is going to be displayed in a place of honor.

🥰